a roseate opiate ruse of roguish rouge

I have decided that this will undergo a revival of sorts, because sometimes it is nice to post a large body of text about your thoughts and feelings on the internet, and imagine that people will read it and be interested or understanding or something like that.


that said, I don't have a lot to tell you right now.


I could say that I have had three pretty good days in a row. two and a half, really. friday started out irritating but ended well. saturday and sunday have been good.

the key, I think, is not being at work, as it allows time for enjoyment of life and actually doing things that are interesting and productive. the problem of course is that this leads to less money. one of my professors told me (before he was my professor, but rather a professor of general things and other people) that money actually gets in the way of buying things rather than helps you buy things.

I feel like I use the word 'interesting' too much.

immediately go to sanja's myspace/livejournal/whatever and watch the 47-second video of spin the wink from friday's show. that along with homemade waffles, a home theater with an 8x4' projection screen and generally staying up too late pretty much sum up my weekend.

You scored as Gambit. Gambit is another loner character. He loves Rogue. He has a very cool deboner personality. He's done things in his past that he's not proud of but he atones for his actions by fighting for peace with the X-Men. His weapon of choice is the playing card. Powers: Charges objects with kinetic energy by touching them, then they explode like grenades. </td> Gambit 85% Wolverine 80% Storm 75% Emma Frost 75% Rogue 70% Colossus 70% Jean Grey 60% Nightcrawler 55% Iceman 50% Cyclops 45% Beast 40% Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

holy crap, I'm addicted to "In A Steadman Spray." everyone go listen to it now.

http://www.myspace.com/westcoastperformer

also, I think they must have listened to Cursive for about fifteen hours before writing it....but that's okay. it's still awesome.

and look here, the brother: I refer to myspace because things happen on it, and I want everyone to be posted on my activities, regardless of whether they're too lazy/righteous/whatever to actually get one and see what everyone else is doing. because I'm cool, and information on my cool self is foremost in everyone's mind (or should be).

picture post of me and my cool new dress.

(some of these pictures may or may not be posted in a picture post Caroline may or may not make regarding our grandfather's 90th birthday party. you have been warned. and while I'm on that subject I suppose I should officially attribute all pictures to the aforementioned Caroline.)

( parental advisory: photos contain substantially '80s-esque clothing, mild boobage and pretty serious Ham-related silliness. )

Adam just pointed this out to me.




you decide.

it's cinco de mayo, I'm bored, there is some opened wine in the fridge, and I kind of feel like getting drunk in the middle of the day.

maybe.

seems like the legacy of berkeley-attending hams continues.

highlights of recently:

- zoo lemurs are fat.
- loudly singing songs from "a hard day's night" and assembling slightly drunken can-canesque lines to "i should have known better"
- final fantasy viii is awesome. AWESOME. argue for vii and die.
- sometime this week I will hear from berkeley. (not really a highlight, but something interesting.)
- pita chips.

that is all.

now you too can all have this stuck in your heads.

from reading my journal one might think that do nothing useful or interesting with my time. truth is, when I have a useful or interesting though, most of the time I can't be bothered recording it here. so um...yeah. bye.

words, words, words! crushing my lungs and smashing my brain and sitting on my head with all the weight of stone elephants that stand in stylistic sentinel outside north berkeley homes, the green and wood and fancified flavour of west county that hide in the blanketing cowls of inexpressible hills.

words, boys, sound, light, pancakes, words on a page sent in all directions and hammering deep into only a few minds, the desperate drive of a hammer to your skull drilling holes for enlightenment but no hapless cult converts will die tonight. the rabid boiling desire to roam has simmered down to a dull rolling rumble that could crush my house on its weak and trembling legs in a swift landslide stroke, sliding down the hill and stretching toward well-lit windows and shelves of books buried in the deep dark forests of our future unaffordable homes, south and east of here.

say a word that is not for elder scrolls, I dare you. we can rearrange your house all night.

now you know what it is to feel yourself stretched so thin, spread and sprawled between two entities, and the guy that wears the same shirt every day turns up in the strangest places. we are so close to knowing each other absolutely but for this one insurmountable obstacle that keeps you from my brain and keeps me from your full respect.

o what a night, o what a world, o what a word or two or seventy-thousand or howmanyever come from that mouth in so many tones, shouts, wails and lulls, bursting in violent glory like my anthem on guitar for instance. so many mouths open in wide wonderment, o wonderful wonderful and again beyond all whooping! or was it just mine, was I aware of anyone at that time but you and I, yes even unaware of your girl behind my back, our eyes met embarrassingly and yet I could not back down because I knew every word. was it just us and the background, was that the moment where our minds met because yes I finally know every word you mean and you are all in my brain and veins and spelling words in questionable ways and inventing for rhythm, it's all about that illusory element enticing arbitrary alliteration.

I know, I know, I have followed the footsteps of big sister and yet it is no wrong. how when we think so alike and swim down such similar tides chasing down the dawn and reticent recollections of ancient music and memory? how when we live and breathe the same houses and watch the same figures all the while following threads of foreign countries visited when we were nigh on decades old? how when all the world sings the same song and yet has no idea until you all meet in a dark room whose lights turn your black clothes burgundy and we will all sing again.

if only you would just take my hand and come.

today out of sheer boredom and my love of lo-fi recordings I listened to the stuff from the outdoor open mic night at CSSSA. I may or may not have mentioned this before but that’s the one memory I have of CSSSA that is truly golden. that's the one night I remember fondly and without a single criticism on myself or anyone else really, the one that covers the green stain from all the other nights that tarnished from affected emoism and self-hate and all that. that night we all performed brilliantly and were true to ourselves (and this includes mat bursting out laughing and yelling “fuck!” in the middle of freakish and me not really singing mother of love so much as choking on it) and most of all we all had our own form of passion and adventure and bravery as I don’t think we ever had in any assignment we had or confession of love to anyone we made there. the best thing that came of this was a good kind of nostalgia, the one that recalls and compares to how we’ve grown (or not, in some ways) since then. it seems like the things I wrote in that email after alumni day the year after have finally come through, that we have learned how to use the experience rather than cling to it. in this vein we have either become even more pompous and arty or not at all, and have either become markedly crazier or if not discovered the secret of sanity at least learned to hide it well. the weird thing is that even in that atmosphere of serious pretentiousness and emo-loving and artistic bullshit we all had this light of immunity and independent conviction that shined that night at least, if no other time.

I have more crap to say about agenda suicide, that story I wrote and possibly gave to you, which if you know what's good for you you've been reading.

since you ARE reading it, I figure now is as good a time as any to request what every writer loves:

FEEDBACK.

so if you have anything to say about this story (beyond "it's good/I liked it," which are wonderful in their own but not terribly helpful) please let me know in whatever way suits you best: phone, email, aim, myspace, face-to-face, notes here, etc.

this public service announcement has been brought to you by gillian staying up too late thinking about random stuff.

about two seconds ago I won a game of pong for the first time in my life.

I'm awesome.

I just got an email from the Tortilla Chip Survey Department, subject line "Which tastes better: Tostitos or Doritos?"

probably the best thing I've found about the internet so far.

I can spell spring in my room. why is it spring in February, and why moreover does it smell like sonoma county in berkeley? is it possible to live in two (or more) places at once? can I stop writing my thoughts in questions? probably not.

nothing screams SoCo like a good old-school velvet teen rockin'.

so agenda suicide (my "novella" i suppose) is done and anyone who wants to read it is welcome to. the following people, however, are going to read it whether they like it or not:

adam
jordaan
derek
jess
caroline
sanja
jasper

if you are alarmed/disgusted by this and wonder why the hell i picked you, it's because the story concerns you more or less directly (i.e. you are in it in some form). if you want details, talk to me about it/read the preface that i'm going to give you along with the story. if you are not on the list and are offended for some reason, i have no real answer for you. maybe i just didn't know you that well at the time it was written. anyway, do with this information what you will.

I FINISHED AGENDA SUICIDE. IT IS DONE (MOSTLY).

those of you who know what that means will understand how simultaneously excited and sad I have just become.

The Year 2005:

[P E O P L E]
1. Best friends? tess, adam, alex, derek and jess before they were all like "let's all stay friends okay bye now"
2. Best boyfriend/girlfriend? adam
3. Lost any friends? see above, ish
4. Gained any friends? kenwood kids
5. Met a new good friend? I met hecka new good friends. HECKA.

[P L A C E S]
1. Went out of the country? nope
2. Moved? to berkeley
3. New school? DVC...ehhh
4. How many times on an airplane? none, yay....nothing I love more than being strapped to a seat for like nine hours in midair and watching crappy movies
5. Road trips? I don't suppose berkeley to roseville and back is a road trip

[Y O U]
1.Have you changed? but of course
2. New look? changed my hair, got glasses, new makeup technique...so from the neck up, yeah
3. Any new additions? to/of what?
4. Biggest conflict this year? parent/money issues
5. Most depressed time this year? I don't really remember a time of particular depression

[L O V E]
1. Did you fall in love? yes
2. Did you get heartbroken? not exactly
3. Who was your summer fling? I don't really do flings....
4. How many boyfriends/girlfriends this year? technically two
5. Favorite date? not sure...there were some pretty good ones

[S E A S O N S]
1. Favorite Season? spring/summer
2. Least favorite season? early spring/winter I suppose
3. Good birthday? it had its ups and downs
4. Any snow this year? nope
5. Highest temperature? something ridiculous in healdsburg I'm sure

[F I N A L Q U E S T I O N S]
1. Snuck out? so 2003
2. Met a person who will change your life? sure
3. Kept your resolution? I don't even remember what it was, or having one for that matter
4. Got arrested? nope
5. Had a first something? people are always having first somethings
6. Drank Alcohol? but of course
7. Did anything illegal? I engage in illegal activities pretty routinely, and have been for the past two years or so
8. Kissed a boy/girl? double yes
9. Had a crush? yes
10. Liked someone who didn't like you? that's debatable...probably not
11. Lost a family member? fortunately not
12. Got bad grades? I got a few more B's than I wanted to, but otherwise now...
16. Moved states? nope
17. Got a myspace? yep
18. Learned an instrument? no
19. Started a band? no
20. Spent over 1 million dollars? I'm sure
21. Done something you shouldn't have? I'm always doing that
22. Kept a secret? yes
23. Told a secret? yes
24. Done something you totally regret? ehh....if I did, I blocked it out of my memory (yes)
25. Changed your view on things? for shizzle

having finally settled socially for once, I am now free (and have excuses) to roam geographically as I please. this is a wonderful thing.

unfortunately, the journey back is a lot more boring and numbing than the journey out. so much so that you want to listen to the decemberists, even though you have previously decided for yourself that both that kind of music and the kind of people that listen to it/care deeply about it annoy the crap out of you. though I suppose it makes sense that if some people can ruin things for you, some other people can unruin them for you.

there is something curious about buses that makes you not want to get off them. (this does not apply to ac transit buses, since the only two times I ever rode those in my life -- and ever will, for that matter -- I found that as soon as I got on them I couldn't wait to get off.) though it does feel pretty cool when you step off to walk city streets in a billowing coat while tokimeki no doukasen pumps into your ears.

and so my ode to buses begins to take shape, if only in the squishy greyness of my brain (google image search "human brains" and look at the website listed on the far right in the second row, and you will see that brains actually do look like that). my home is everywhere and nowhere at once, since according to captain flagg there is no such thing as "everywhere". of course, when you disguise yourself as a chinese double agent and end up looking like an italian usher you should probably question the value of sayings you invent on your own.

shit, now I forgot my snappy closer. damn you, captain flagg. it's probably just what you wanted, which is silly anyway since you're a fictional character so why am I talking to you all of a sudden. shut up, gillian.